-100 Facts About Chuck Norris

I've really hit the ground running! There has been no stopping me ever since I found my way home this afternoon. Not even the sun's glare on me while wearing a leather jacket could keep me from feeling dehydrated while passing mack truck after mack truck on our lovely interstate.

It's funny how being home suddenly will make you wonder why you don't enjoy the little things you miss. For me, it's a 4-legged lil' critter that goes by the name of 'Buffy.'

All that rest did 5-Pound Phooey some good because we took off like mad heathens. Well, one had low-riding camo cargo pants that can barely stay up and the other has a butt wiggle that brings all the boys to the yard. Together, 5-Pound Phooey and I make a great team.

Dan Rather, the old CBS news anchor, came to our town about 2 weeks ago. The cost? $25,000 was taken from student fees at the local college. I've been wondering what I'd charge. If it's to a nice country where I've always wanted to go, it's room/board and a copy of that country's 'Playboy.' Not much for charging since I pretty much make up my own form of fun as dysfunctional as possible.

Of course, I'd visit Sammy, Hiss, Zu, and Summer for free. No charge. Everyone has their fantasy as to what to do with me. Be it dressing like a large banana in a park, a little French maid outfit, or topless karaoke, I'm so there.

I don't get St. Patrick's Day at all. From what I saw in Sara's hometown, it was basically an excuse for 50-year-olds that look as if they barely passed middle school to drink. Mind you, these were people that were on bar crawls, something that stops in your late 20's.

It's weird. I did the drinking thing in college. Had fun, too. What I don't get is seeing people most obviously live in trailer parks suddenly appearing in bars, nice ones that I inhabit all because of the pub inside. While I can picture the beauty of a guy wearing a kilt, no underwear, and carrying bagpipes, I do mind those that only have 4 or 5 teeth left to stop acting like drunken college students.

Basically, Sara and I, along with 2 of her friends, sat in a pub for dinner. As we walked down the sidewalk to get there, a mass of people hogged a large portion of it. Not 20-year-olds. Not even 30-year-olds but 50somethings that should be worrying more about other things than getting 'wasted.' Sometimes, I really root for the police, tasers, and really big trunks.

You know what? Bash me all you want but I've now seen that new Bond flick, Casino Royale, 2 times. It's that fucking good and has really revived the Bond character to new heights. No more obsessions with Aston Martins, martinis, and perfectly timed punches. This latest kind fights with a mixture of brute strength, a stronger body, the face of a stone-killer, and more rogue. This one isn't quite as interested in gynaecology as the others because he's got more on his mind than pussy, the perfect game of no limits poker.

I'm not quite sure if Sara is into Bond but she liked Casino Royale. Even her roommate, a complete Bond disliker, enjoyed it. Like my dad said many months ago, Casino Royale is the best Bond ever.

Of course, a trip to Indiana means more parental love. Sara's parents pretty much expect me over there. These 2 have become my best friends since their home is where I find myself while Sara is at work. You might find it weird to sink down into a black leather couch and watch sports on the big screen plasma but not I. Sara's mom and I talk non-stop about all sorts of things in life.

Note: It was kind of odd for Sara's mom to hold up Sara's panties that were pulled out of the dryer. "Look, it's her panties!" Then again, my undies find the back of the couch in the living room as a second home on occasion or tossed in the air by Ellie-Mae. Dogs love the smell of crotch, balls and feet first thing in the morning.

It just feels so good to be home on a day like today. Spring. My mind turns to a walk or run each day. I'm definitely a red-blooded American male in that, yes, I get hard 'down there' a little more often. Sara seems to get a kick out that. I guess, to girls, it is funny to see a man walk weird because his penis is pretty much a third leg. All it took was Sara sucking on my fingers during Casino Royale.

So, I really need the rest after unpacking, running, and much more. I also had a very bad dream that had me wake up in tears, 5-Pound Phooey was lost after a run. If you don't have that urge to run for fun, just get a dog. I'm so proud of her in taking a large dump in a mean old man's yard today. A more interesting entry will be for later. I hope. Happy twats all around.

- - 2009-07-07

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