Sam: "How about some Windex, Grandpa?"

-The Lost Boys

Okay, I'm going to paint an image in your head so that you just might see how disturbingly funny it was for me. I spent a little over a minute laughing so hard because my knowing these 2 fools and their behaviors plays into it.

Slutwatcher as in the mat warming up for his workout. He noticed me pass by and decided to pretend to look up the shorts of the person stretching on this stationary metal set of bars. This 'person' was Richard, my favorite fat 55-year-old with a taste for 70's music to dance to. When Richard started smiling at me, not knowing that a guy was implying that he was looking up his shorts, it was just a magical moment I wish I had on camera. I'm sure Richard and Slutwatcher had no idea why I was laughing so hard.

Ah, tonight. It's absolutely perfect, neither hot nor cold with a slight breeze to keep us there. Since it's only close to April, all I could think of would be laying on a couch in front of the big screen TV with a book in hand or paying attention to what is going on as Sara purs close by.

Well, I doubt she'd want to be close to me tonight since The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was on right after a showing of Nightmare On Elm Street. Can't get much better than the classics playing in regards to horror movies right there, folks. Sara doesn't like those types of movies.

Poop.

I did get my hands on Kim Harrison's latest book. Gonna be back in deep with the supernatural since sexy witches living with 2 vampires make for good times. I love to be bitten, too. Just, please, remember I enjoy being licked underneath my balls.

Yesterday was Keira Knightley's 22nd birthday. 22 years of age and showing no signs of losing her unique beauty for which EVERY LITTLE FUCKER ON DIARYLAND, INCLUDING MY GIRLFRIEND, CONTINUES TO TORMENT ME. Happy birthday, Keira, and yes, I do remember those pictures of you coming out of a club completely wasted out of your mind all while still looking like the hottest of all.

Austin Powers: "Does she make you randy? Does she!?! Ooh, baby, I'd clean her panties with my tongue."

Lauren's back. My little lesbian-in-charge or asskicker came back after her meeting with a future mate. 'Clingy' was the word used to describe why it didn't work out. While I'm unhappy that Lauren hasn't found someone to bring out the sexual beast lying dormant within her, I'm happy she's still with me in my gym. There is nothing quite as moving as seeing a small girl nail a large dummy with a good right.

As for me, I've got shin splints appearing here and there from the running. Sidewalks are taking their toll on my feet, knees, and various other places. The only thing that keeps me going is the confusion as to why people wave at me when I run by with 5-Pound Phooey. Is it because my dog fertilizes their yards?

I'm serious. I'm finding that more and more people are either waving at me or stopping to talk. 1 lady wanted to ask me about 5-Pound Phooey while her little Pug sniffed me. Everyone is always surprised that I live in a house with 5 little dogs to which I always say:

"Yes, it's noisy."

For all of you keeping track, 5-Pound Phooey is more toned in her belly area and definitely in good shape with only occasions where I have to carry her home. We're trying to make this event less than 4 houses down since it's almost always the same place she poops out at.

One of my friends at the gym is a bodyguard to stars that come here for shows or promotions. At 315 pounds, he's definitely got something that'll make you look. What's weird to me is that although I took the 210 pounds he was pressing down just as easily as he was working with, hearing him talk about various stars as if it's no thing is nicely human.

This bodyguard is friends with Jay-Z's bodyguard and BIG from MTV's 'Rob and Big. It's like all these 300-pound guys know each other thanks to time spent in buffets or all-you-can-eat festivals. They work under contracts that allow for time to work out in order to stay the size they are. My friend's is 4 hours. Weird. I don't need that much time in the gym but I guess 315 pounds makes you a tad bit slower.

Oh, I got demonstrated some moves on taking people down. I'm sure there were a few odd looks when a 300-pound black guy is pretending to pound on a barely 200-pound white guy. Bodyguards have a sense of humor when not keeping watch over people.

I'll finish my 'How To Have An Awesome Sex Blog' later but there is something I'd like to address.

While reading about the various photographers in 'The New Erotic Photography' book from Taschen, I noticed that almost all started in the same manner. Their girlfriends or wives were the first models used.

This is my problem with today. Too many boys (I'm using that term because some never grow up) seem to think that their girlfriends' nude photos are to be shared with everyone thanks to the 'Net. Sad. Even my old college roommates did this by showing people secretly recorded videos or pictures taken while she was drunk. Whatever happened to class?

Sara's given me sexy photos of herself that I'd never share with anyone. The whole concept of taking pictures of your girlfriend in various states of dress is for sexy play. Who doesn't enjoy the sight of waking up to a lover putting on clothes for that morning? Why not playfully take pictures?

The whole point is that there should be confidence that the other person would keep things private if that's decided between the two of you. Some...well, they like to say, "That's my girlfriend's twat and that smelly passed out thing near the dryer is my uncle still smelling his finger after dying last year. We still haven't buried him but I buried my bone in her. High-five!"

So, what I was trying to get at is that a good time making sexy pictures with someone is like the 1st point. Smile. You're naked and jumping up and down with no clothes on as your boyfriend takes pictures. Life's too short to worry about whether your pussy needs a shave because he already saw it minutes ago.

Well, I'm outta here and needing to start sleep earlier. As much as I enjoy the late night Showtime TV show, Debbie Does Dallas Again, I've got to pull myself away from the loveliness of divas involved in porn. Last week, we got to see how they 'try out' the potential of an actress. Can you believe they pay very close attention to her facial expressions during fake orgasms!?! You'd think they'd just be happy someone put out with a complete stranger's dick. Happy twats all around.

- - 2009-07-07

Love Facebook - 2009-05-07

Retards Away! - 2009-02-16

Jackasses! I Sees 'Em! - 2008-11-28

My Birthday Happened - 2008-09-07