-Bill Maher on Anna Nicole Smith's autopsy

You know what? Bill's got a good point. Why is there this humongous war on marijuana when the real problem is with so many legal drugs? Have you heard of anyone dying from smoking too much reefer? Not I. What about how our own government dismisses research report after report on how tobacco and alcohol have much greater consequences than good ol' weed? Strange how there would be a great big old capitalistic opportunity there in growing dope but our government is too busy 'protecting' us from what makes things better.

Walgreens has a new scandal. They've been hiring teenagers for pharmacists. Naughty naughty! I'll be they're told not to ask you if you can give them a ride home after work.

I love alcoholics in my town. They're the ones that must walk a major mile or 2 just to get to the local booze store for some of that brown-bagged 6-pack lovin' and smokes. Others just zoom on in like they own the place but you know it's just a matter of time til the license is suspended in the event they hit on of those alcoholics that take a little longer at getting home.

I've noticed something about myself. I feel better and even have a large amount of self-hatred gone like yesterday's fart. It's gotta be the TV.

Now, I've never been much of a TV watcher but I did have a small obsession with watching entertainment news programs that had me so caught up in the latest Hollywood scandal that you'd swear I had a subscription of 'People' in my bathroom and that a bout of 'Montezuma's Revenge' kept me informed each day.

No longer. Satellite TV has made my life much healthier thanks to what I call 'honesty.' Don't know what I'm talking about? Honesty, according to yours truly comes in these forms not found on your local cable television because it's for your own good.

Adult Language-I cuss. You cuss. We all fucking cuss like the bad motherfuckers we are. Well, maybe not as much as those fuckers on Deadwood because I don't throw around a 'cocksucker' every 10 seconds. Nor do I look down at prostitutes that are just doin' their jobs. It's just that I don't like squeaky clean segments where a definite 'shit' 'fuck' and 'cunt' is just begging to be let out.

Violence-Who doesn't enjoy a nice slow beheading? Well, I expect a little bloodshed when someone gets shot or a machete is somehow thrown in the mix. Jamaican drug dealers are vicious fuckers, yo! I'm a man and a lot of us enjoy a good moment where someone gets hurt if the story brings this out. You go to Africa, expect to see people lose their hands over diamonds but not that pretty boy Dicaprio. People that help protect the world have no time to look that good and care about the world more than hair products.

Nudity-Gawd, I love the sight, smell, and feel of pussy. Vaginas are all around me but concealed by fabric in hopes of keeping obscenity from rearing its ugly head. While I agree that some should be kept away from public viewing, namely those that belong to the 200-pounders found in line at McDonald's everyday, well-toned pussy should be exposed as much as possible. But life doesn't work that way no matter how much science has shown the underwear is more of an enemy to the vagina since fumes need to be let out. My argument is more along the lines that when a couple is in bed, sex happens! Seriously. I get naked and she gets naked.

Seriously, I have stayed the fuck away from reality shows and just about everything MTV has had to offer. I'll admit to my Christina Aguilera music video, 'Candyman,' as a must-see pleasure. But the rest? Adios! No more spoiled teens, underage marriages where morons have no clue that one doesn't marry just because she's cute, and Real World is only full of those wanting to be famous. I do miss Anderson Cooper, though, but even he had me fuming a few times since CNN has become a mess.

What do I watch? Just about everything has what I call 'honesty.' Cable just sucks, girls, so I find myself hanging around 2 shows a night here and there.

1). Sopranos. Nobody does a New Jersey mob better than David Chase. Addictive and full of personalities, that's a mob that I can rely on with hundreds of expletives. I've still yet to see Deadwood but I know Sopranos gives the naughty word category a run for its money. With a guy named 'Pauly Walnuts,' you can't go wrong.

2). Bill Maher's Real Time. My god. This man is unbelievably truthful and takes on people without just dismissing them like Bill O' Reilly. You'll get your views from those that support both Democrats and Republicans instead of a boring chat about Bush's latest scandal. We all know he's a moron but let's see why there are still supporters for our retarded president. Lots of cussing as well because all politics end up with 4-letter words.

3). Debbie Does Dallas....Again. I'm not a big fan of watching porn. There's a few things on the 'Net that are fun but I tend to do research more than titilation. Don't get me wrong. I love the sight of pussies, ass, and the occasional boob but that's not for this argument. Showtime's Debbie Does Dallas....Again follows a case of porn divas trying to get that 70's porn remade. Did you know that pornos made by big companies use actual scripts and professional lighting? The women must clean every little bit between their legs? It's no wonder guys eat them out like maniacs!! Anyway, life on a porn set just so happens to have divas and porn directors that think they are making the most amazing well-thought out flick. Relax, it's porn.

Of course, I'm not perfect. Some of my favorite shows are Battlestar Galactica on the Sci-Fi Channel and the now cancelled Veronica Mars on CW. Why people watch anything else is beyond me. Sure, Law And Order is addictive on first viewing but it's like a broken record once you think about it. The main bad guy is always kept til the last 5 minutes while they sweat someone else.

Life has changed. I think we get more education out of fictional shows and even documentaries that contain porn. This reality trend is over for me since I'm just not one to dumb myself down. If I'm starving, I will not pull into a McDonald's when a Quizno's is right nearby.

I've got one of those man crushes on someone. Ever since David Beckham was traded to the Los Angeles Galaxy soccer team, we get all sorts of photos unable to be avoided. The man looks good, yo. How the fuck does David look so good in everything he does? It's unbelievable and I thought those that put effort in the gym were better. Let's put soccer back into being a sport worth watching. Football has made Americans fat.

So, I'm outta here, folks. Gotta finish Bill Maher's Real Time and prepare for filling out online applications. Plus, there's running with 5-Pound Phooey in the late morning while you're only just getting up. Watch more cartoons, porn, HBO, and less Bachelor. A real man would ask for a blowjob on the SECOND date. Happy twats all around.

- - 2009-07-07

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