-Time Bandits

Have you ever seen Time Bandits? It's one of the most beautifully misunderstood obscure movies from the 80's that my mother took me to see. I was scared to death over the Evil Genius played by David Warner. That was one loopy movie with midgets causing trouble all because of a map.

But if I were god (or 'Gawd' as I like to spell it), I'd help save us from the media's insisting that Anna Nicole Smith's death was so senseless. Bah! I'm glad that grubby bitch is gone. I'd send Dr. Phil to pester her along with Trump, Tom Cruise, MTV Real Worlders, and Oasis.

Note: Sara thinks it's crazy that I hate Oasis. 'Wonderwalls.' How many fucking times did that damn thing have to play!?!

Lordy, I'm already sick of filling out online applications even if the last one was easy. Why can't the simplify this shit? Instead, a lot of companies (even my old job) make a bloke go through 15 pages of nonsense. A trained monkey could have done my old job! What does that have to do with needing to deal with the possibility of having to hide tattoos!?!

Note to self: Get a bloody tattoo, mate. It'll make you more manly. The only problem is finding a manpurse to match.

Have you seen this? Men, seeing it's fashionable, are carrying around manpurses. They look like a woman's purse but not completely enough to worry whether gum, tampons, and kleenexes would be found there. No, a manpurse lugs around handheld video games and emergency porn if needing to use a public restroom for a sit-down.

My gym had a urinal explosion. Not sure why after all that locker room construction that it decided to flood the floor but that's the luck we have. I'm sure the last thing I had to worry about upon changing in front of large naked males is urine creeping up to my feet (with socks on).

Found out a new term to tell someone if a woman is a lesbian. 'She always eats a box-lunch.' I laughed at that one but feel completely stupid that it's most likely everyone else has heard it before me. I'll ask Lauren as I'm hoping to hear how she does things in the bedroom. Rubbing cunts? Am I the only one that finds that so sexy?

My highlight of the day was 5-Pound Phooey taking a dump in the mean old man's yard once again. I hate the bastard for acting all high and mighty with me so he deserves a pile of fresh shit delivered near his small flower bed.

I don't know if 5-Pound Phooey reads my mind or what. The old guy with an attitude always has his windows open to keep an eye out. When Buffy assumed the shitting position, I had to move out of the windows' way or I'd be spotted. I am so not picking up a little dog that starts dropping turds while an old man threatens me with his gold clubs (he always has them near or in the trunk of his car).

My mother. While we are on this whole god thing, Lent has been kind of hard on me in that my mother gave up lunch for it. This Jesus character suffered for mankind's sins so my mother gave up a sandwich. Sounds logical.

When I had to do the Lent thing, I do remember giving up soda (or 'sody-pop' as we midwesterners say) and candy. Pretty easy for me now but hard as hell for a kid that loves Cadbury Cream Eggs. Back when I could eat chocolate, I used to break open an egg and let the cream fill my mouth before devouring the milk chocolate shell. People thought I was strange.

Editor: "Strange but let's not forget our favorite word, retarded, mildly retarded and proud."

As I said before, my mother has some kind of abnormality in her breast. The boob doctor is on Monday. So, it's my issue with my mom giving up lunch that bothers me. When a person skips a meal for many hours, they tend to weaken and tire easily. My mother, already a little worried, does not need this shit for Jesus.

Some kid got in trouble for holding a sign that read 'Bong Hits For Jesus.' Now, that guy knows how to get things done for a good cause.

If only this other school would find it within their evil little heartless bodies that a girl saying the word 'vagina' is not worth suspending over. I've always found the 'Vagina Monologues' to be an inspiration because people do need to realize that vaginas are powerful, erotic, beautiful, and should be celebrated instead of ridiculed or made to feel disgusting.

If Walgreens can find it within themselves to hire teenagers as pharmacists, we can start cheering for pussy.

Technically, it's Sunday so I await the latest George Bush scandal for this week.

And so I bid thee a good night. No fucking clue as to what is up with Sara. Don't be surprised if I take off this weekend to nail this mystery down. Her working so much takes a lot out of her. Somehow, it's my mother and a daily sandwich that I have issues with. Happy twats all around.

- - 2009-07-07

Love Facebook - 2009-05-07

Retards Away! - 2009-02-16

Jackasses! I Sees 'Em! - 2008-11-28

My Birthday Happened - 2008-09-07