-History Of the World Part 1

Just finished having what I like to call a 'Sammy Moment.' This involves eating 25% of a box of Teddy Grahams and watching the new flick, TMNT, on my 46-inch HDTV. For those of you not in the knowing, 'TMNT' has to do with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I can hear the ahhhhhhs now.

As for TMNT, it's good, not great. Well, I'm only 1 hour in so my confusion about the monsters causing havoc in New York City is still there. There is a small dark undertone that brings me back to the old Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles of lore, Eastman/Laird. Raphael is still dark but I was so wishing they'd do the Christmas issue where he was out hunting alone only to wind up in a major battle with The Shredder and The Foot. How would you like to be dressing a Christmas tree only to see your friend get thrown through the window, bleeding and all, with a hundred bad ninjas coming out of nowhere?

Ah, life. I nearly got assaulted by a goose protecting his mate. She was lovely and, no, I have no interest in adding another girlfriend. Would be nice to see Sara wearing nothing but strategically placed feathers only to have me peel them off but.......no. Awful fantasy.

I had 2 pictures left on my disposable camera so I used them on the geese. These 2 decided to form a nest near my town's big movie theater. Of course, I was cautious and non-threatening as I crouched down to present myself to the 2 geese. She lay down in front of me while the male came from a distance just to make sure.

I'm curious what it would feel like to be trampled by a huge flock of penguins or lemmings.

Thanks to the movie, Slither, I realize that, if alien space slugs came here, I'd be fucked. I tend to sleep with my mouth open and I'm very animated when presented with a topic or 2. Slugs go in mouth and I become a walking zombie. Slither's a weird flick. That gigantic exploding woman was.........kind of gross.

However, I'd kick major ass if life suddenly turned into a zombie flick. I'm all about protecting mah friends with a shotgun and bad manners. Not one to ask if you need a shotgun blast in the head while drooling blood is I.

My philosophies of life:

I'm controversial so I'll do my best at explaining some things. While I'd love to say that all of this is a mass of my own personal thoughts, some came from people I've met throughout my life. Kristan, obviously, was a big factor.

1). You climbed a mountain. You're now stranded. Well, guess what? You're gonna die because I don't see a bloody point in sending a search and rescue team to save your stupid ass's need to explore a dangerous territory. Heed warnings much? Goodbye. It's the world's way of taking out the garbage.

2). American Idol. You're not a singer. You're not a karaoke singer either because I've seen Asians do it better. A real musician goes through the hells of life in playing small venues where women urinate on the sides of the building and men throw up in their pockets before asking for another beer. Oh, and stop looking like Jack Osbourne with that curly hair.

3). Don't get all freaked out about your website's fans' requests. You set it up for them to pay $35/month to see pictures of you naked. Your interviews where you think it demeaning how men masturbate to your naked body shows how stupid you are. If they want to see you spanked, $35 says so. For me, I expect to see more than tits because I still want to know if the asshole vibrates during a fart.

4). From the Middle East? Now living in America or Europe. Shut the fuck up if you don't like our countries. Your arguments that the Qur'an is not violent have no substance when your need to burn towns in order to get your point across is how you say it. Get some deodarant while you're at it and let your women dress like ho's. You'll thank me.

5). We're men. We fart and scratch. There are moments where we spend too long in the bathroom on a Sunday. So, men, stop complaining when you see her scratch her butt after a long dump. Just be thankful she didn't insist you eat her out from behind.

6). Smokers, you don't have a right to smoke in a restaurant or building just because you think so. I will allow you this if you swallow your cigarette butts, though. Flicking them out the window will only urge me to come up to your window and snap your wrist back just to hear you scream like my immune system did when you blew smoke in my face.

7). Stop making fun of people with piercings. 1 or 2 is okay. Over 50 and he/she is a fucking playground toy thinking this makes them so 'different.' Freaks have a right to life just as you do going back to your boring night of television watching. Some just enjoy setting off metal detectors or make the guards gasp when it's one of those 'private' piercings to be dealt with.

8). Don't complain to me about being fat while eating a load of KFC and a Diet Pepsi. You're just a big fat pig that should be punished in allowing your body such excessive amounts of fat. The amount of health bills should be paid by you and you alone if you enjoyed those 10-15 trips to the buffet while winking at Steven Seagal. I'm sick of people suing fast food companies when it's their own damn fault.

9). So, 'beauty is skin deep?' Why is it that most people when presented with the question of 'beauty or brains?' pick 'beauty?' Because life is easier when you are pretty. That's a fact. Look at Britney Spears. No brains nor talent but she's bloody rich and happier while you eat that bucket of KFC with a Diet Coke. Get thee to to a gym or start running with a dog, you lazy turd.

10). Many women think that they can take over this world by dressing like ho's. It's now starting as early as 8 with the marketing of thongs to kids. It then works it's way up to those damn Bratz characters that tell kids to force their parents to dress them like sluts. All of this confuses boys seeing as it's either 3rd Grade homework or hoping for this mysterious 'blowjob' thingee that his older brother talked about.

11). I have this horrible fear that the world will end up in chaos and we'll all be using whatever advantage was given us. Be it strength, automotive, electronics, or manipulation, we'll be fighting thanks to the lack of any sort of enforcement.

12). After this huge fascination with female urination, there will no longer be any sort of new sexual delights. They've all been done no matter how many times 'Cosmo' tells us something new has been discovered. I've seen 2 dicks up an ass and 2 in the pink while a whole assortment of silverware was up a woman's bum as well. It's done. Can we just go back to old-fashioned fucking?

13). Stop telling me that drugs are bad. Much of the best music was made while stoned or baked on something. Your government has been lying to you for years in saying that weed is this horrible thing while telling you that a little green pill that might cause diarrhea/cramps/blindness/frequent urination is so much better for you than the euphoria of feeling stoned while watching cartoons. How can this be? I'm drug-free and happy but some people need this just to get by on a day spent working for a boss 20 years under their age with his head up his ass.

14). Ask a woman if you can cum on her face instead of just doing so. It's demeaning unless she sees things your way. If I were her, I'd wait for you to fall asleep and then piss all over your face. She has a right to her sexual fantasy as well so sometimes you're gonna be the bitch.

15). Don't tell me that your store sells only American-made clothing when the slight wetness found on the sleeve is from the tears of a 6-year-old Hungarian child forced to sit there for 10 hours in order to sew a fashion emblem designed for a label that represents freedom from persecution of skin color.

16). I eat pussy. Don't tell me this is an act that is gross or lacks any sort of masculinity because the smell is actually a pheromone. A real man finds an erotic enjoyment of seeing his girl's slight smirk as he spreads her legs to enjoy licking the wetness and pleasing her. A reward is waiting and it's one where I get to lay back and watch a woman relieve me of the swelling down there by drinking from my cock or masturbating in front of me.

17). So, I work out. Big flippin' deal. I'm not a slave to my gym but I enjoy the strange feeling of euphoria after a workout. 1 hour or 15 minutes more is my time spent 5-6 days a week. This all depends on whether my friends, and there are a lot of them, are around. I'm a talkative and friendly chap. Plus, I like to look good when naked in front of my girlfriend. I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to see a large belly hanging over my dick.

18). Stop insisting we keep up with technology. My phone is a fucking phone! Not some 'Net thing that plays television. Whatever happened to enjoying what you have? High definition is nice but it keeps changing to the point that I feel like I need a small mortgage just to watch TV. Apple TV? My dad has been doing something like that for the last 5 years.

19). Thongs. If you're going to wear a thong that is basically a piece of string up your ass, just go commando. Underwear has one major purpose, to keep your shit stains off your pants. A string aint gonna do that. Oh, I'm talking not about every fucking thong but the ones that really do resemble a string.

20). Relax. Sometimes, we forget to take time out for ourselves. Laying in a bedroom while staring up at the ceiling is a good thing. Remember the good times and stop of playing tag or that first naughty word that came out of your mouth where Billy giggled as milk shot out of his nose.

21). A lot of people are single for a reason. They either forgot to deal with their looks or no one wants to put up with their shit.

So, I'll get into this argument over lookisms later. This was just to give you an idea as to how my mind works. Well, I hope so as people seem to get genuinely surprised that I think a bit 'out there' rather than completely by the book. Happy twats all around.

- - 2009-07-07

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Retards Away! - 2009-02-16

Jackasses! I Sees 'Em! - 2008-11-28

My Birthday Happened - 2008-09-07